


An Elegy For The Eternally Cockblocked

by traceExcalibur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Loss of Virginity, Mostly Dialogue, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2012-11-19
Packaged: 2017-11-19 00:05:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/566822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceExcalibur/pseuds/traceExcalibur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>TG: i promise this in the most holy and motherfuckin righteously ironic and nonsensical of fantasy pacts:<br/>TG: by the end of the week<br/>TG: tz wont just be my bff<br/>TG: shell be my bfwbf<br/>GG: best friend with benefits forever?<br/>TG: bing-fuckin-o</p>
</blockquote>In which comedy mandates that Dave Strider be a little pathetic; Jade Harley is unquestionably Better At Sex than you; Kanaya Maryam raps about lingerie; Karkat Vantas’ life isn’t the kind of romcom he wants it to be; Aradia and Sollux accidentally ruin seafood for Dave forever; and Terezi Pyrope really, really needs to get laid.
            </blockquote>





	An Elegy For The Eternally Cockblocked

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [Dori](http://dorirosa.tumblr.com) for providing [the picture](http://dorirosa.tumblr.com/post/34321283473/here-ya-go-trace-idk-if-you-wanted) that shows up during the Dave/Kanaya conversation!

**MONDAY MORNING**

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:32 \--

TG: hey jade sup

GG: im working on a new nuclear device right now

TG: ok cool so youre free to chat then

GG: dave...

TG: what im just kidding around

TG: but i do have something to talk about so text me when youre not fucking around with your nutty-ass science

TG: stay safe

TG: dont sprout extra arms or tails or whatever

TG: the dog ears are enough already

TG: peace

GG: aw, i can take a quick break

GG: what do you need??

TG: advice

GG: really?? mr smooth cool guy dave strider needs advice from me? ;o

TG: yeah

TG: its regarding a subject that i havent often broached

TG: one of the few elements of the social scene that escapes my charms and somehow fell right into your lap like a chew toy that fits your fangs just right

GG: what is it??

TG: the horizontal tango

TG: the bedsheet brouhaha

TG: the nakey shakey bakey

TG: the art of painting in which the canvas is between a girls legs and my dick is the paintbrush

GG: you can just call it sex, dave

TG: yeah but thats lame

TG: anyway

TG: i need advice on how to begin the sexing of a female friend

TG: to do the human/troll mating dance as it were

GG: terezi?

TG: yeah

TG: weve been doing our thing for a while now

TG: whatever this thing is

TG: the thing where we make out a lot and sometimes she slaps my ass at inappropriate moments and other times i cop a mad feel of some tz tits but we arent really dating or anything were just best friends

TG: the thing where we basically dance the not-quite-banging-yet tango

TG: you know that thing that kanaya and rose did for forever except less teen xenolove and more young adult xenofriendship

TG: okay i cant believe i just said that but to boil things down to my main point here

TG: im pretty sure she wants the d

TG: and i want the whatever-the-fuck alien thing shes got down there

TG: at least i hope i want it

TG: you know what one looks like right

GG: its pretty similar to a human thing

GG: usually

TG: ok cool

TG: so like

TG: what do i do

GG: well have you tried asking her if she wants to have sex??

TG: hell no thats the lamest most boring way to do it

TG: i mean how do i set the mood

TG: make it obvious in a really sexy manner so shell be swayed by my swag and charms

TG: my moves gotta be smoother than a babys bottom after a round of rigorous lotion testing by the baby lotion testers association of america

GG: is that a real thing?? :o

TG: im not sure i can accept the world i live in if it isnt

TG: anyway

TG: whatre your tips

GG: i honestly think you should just ask her!!

GG: watch a movie together and move in for some snuggles and kiss her and say something like

GG: i dont know

GG: “wanna take this to the bedroom?”

GG: bluhhh youre right that does sound lame but you know what i mean

GG: the simple approach will work best!!

GG: it worked for me at least

TG: alright

TG: i

TG: wait hang on a moment

TG: what do you mean it worked for you

TG: you havent

GG: yes i have, dave

TG: ...

TG: ok seriously is there anyone within our immediate group of friends whose dingle you havent dangled

GG: uhhhhh

GG: hmmmm

GG: does john count??

TG: john does not count

GG: ok, hrm

GG: no im pretty sure ive been with all of them at this point then

TG: wow

TG: i am honestly pretty awed by that

TG: congratulations???

GG: thank you! :)

TG: yeah no prob

TG: so anyway i guess ill take your advice

TG: mosey on down to tzs house and pop in a dvd or something

TG: pull the old yawn-to-shoulder-contact trick and from there whip out a sicknasty makeout/grope combo

TG: just

TG: let it flow

TG: flow like the four winds across the xenogenital valley

TG: as the great hero prepares to sheathe his mighty sword within the magic stone and assume rule of vag kingdom

TG: here comes the knight of time ready to show terezi the time of her night

TG: or whatever

TG: the point is

TG: i promise this in the most holy and motherfuckin righteously ironic and nonsensical of fantasy pacts:

TG: by the end of the week

TG: tz wont just be my bff

TG: shell be my bfwbf

GG: best friend with benefits forever?

TG: bing-fuckin-o

GG: yeah!!!!!

GG: you go get her dave!! good luck <3333

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:48 \--

 

**MONDAY EVENING**

Opportunity strikes when Terezi invites you over to her house to hang out for the night. Her room is in the basement (“Not by choice,” she once explained, “but because your stupid human zoning rules won’t let me live in a giant tree like I used to.”) You descend the stairs to find Terezi sprawled out on her couch, watching TV. There’s some chubby looking blonde girl on screen, talking about her family.

“I’m watching a documentary about your famous child philosopher, ‘Honey Boo Boo’,” Terezi explains. You snort and mumble some ridiculous metaphor about reality TV and philosophy but you’re not sure if she hears you.

You slide beside her on the couch and slip an arm around her shoulder; finding your embrace acceptable, she leans against you and grins. The room feels kind of warm and your hands are shaking but you’ve made your decision. You are doing this tonight, man, you are making this happen. Someone on TV says something stupid and the both of you laugh and Terezi’s hand goes to rest on your thigh. It’s coming soon. You can feel it. Terezi flips a channel and finds some other reality TV show, a bunch of people stuck on an island. She laughs again. Her lips look so soft…

A commercial break begins and you make your move: you coax her mouth towards yours and she kisses you eagerly. You make out for a while and then push her up agaisnt the edge of the couch and she’s moaning and giggling, you’re getting some real heavy tongue action, her hand sinks between your legs and you’re about to stick your own hand up her shirt and everything’s all hot and then the commercial break ends and everything just stops. Abruptly as it began you’re back with your arm half around her shoulder, coughing awkwardly and staring at an awful reality TV show. What the fuck? What happened to your nerve? Where went the stoic dedication carefully bred into you by your bro? The night wears on and you keep making out between commercials, but you can’t seem to bring yourself to take that final plunge. The awkwardness in the air is palpable.

Ugh.

This is going to be harder than you thought, and you’re not just talking about your boner.

 

**TUESDAY MORNING**

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 10:37 \--

GC: H3Y K4N4Y4

GC: YOUR3 PR3TTY GOOD W1TH F4SH1ON R1GHT

GA: Yes

GA: I Like To Think As Much At Least

GC: OK4Y

GC: H4V3 YOU DON3 MUCH R3S34RCH 1NTO TH3 4R34 OF HUM4N F4SH1ON

GC: N4M3LY TH3 K1ND OF F4SH1ON TH4T HUM4NS F1ND D3S1R4BL3 1N 4 S3XU4L M4NN3R

GA: Uh

GA: A Bit I Suppose

GA: Why

GC: 1 N33D TO KNOW WH4T K1ND OF CLOTH3S TO W34R TO G3T L41D

GC: B3C4US3 4PP4R3NTLY MY CURR3NT CHO1C3S JUST 4R3NT DO1NG 1T >:[

GA: Could You

GA: Elaborate

GC: 1 H4V3 B33N 4TT3MPT1NG TO WOO MR D4V3 STR1D3R

GC: 4ND 1TS NOT WORK1NG

GC: H3 S33MS V3RY SC4R3D TO M4K3 4NY MOV3S WH3N W3 H4NG OUT 3V3N THOUGH 1TS B3YOND OBV1OUS TH4T 1 TH1NK H3S HOT

GC: 4ND 1 C4N JUST SM3LL TH3 H34T 1N TH3 41R WH3N W3 M4K3 OUT SO H3 MUST TH1NK TH3 S4M3 OF M3

GC: 1M WOND3R1NG 1F M4YB3 1 JUST N33D 4 CH4NG3 OF OUTF1T TO CO4X H1M 1NTO T4K1NG TH3 PLUNG3

GA: Somehow I Doubt That The Outfit Is The Root Of All Your Problems But I Would Be Happy To Recommend A More Risque Ensemble If You Think It Would Aid Your Cause

GA: Uh

GA: What Exactly Does Dave Find Visually Stimulating

GA: We Havent Talked Much

GA: He Mostly Just Raps At Me Or Asks About Rose

GC: HMMM 1 DONT KNOW

GC: H3 H4SNT T4LK3D MUCH 4BOUT 43STH3T1C PR3F3R3NC3S H3 MOSTLY ONLY GO3S ON 4BOUT OUTF1TS 1F TH3Y 4R3 COOL OR 1RON1C

GA: Well I Cant Help You If I Dont Know What He Thinks Is Sexy

GA: Hang On

GA: I Am Going To Go On A Reconnaissance Mission And Get To The Bottom Of The Strider Conundrum

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is now idle! –

 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:46 –

GA: Rose Do You Know What Kind Of Outfits Would Turn Dave On

TT: That’s...an odd question to ask.

GA: It Is A Question Posed At Terezis Behest

GA: I Am Trying To Design An Outfit For Her That Will Woo Dave

TT: Ah.

TT: Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you.

TT: Dave keeps his preferences rather private.

GA: Damn

GA: Then Theres Only One Thing Left To Do

TT: Be careful, Kanaya.

TT: You’re treading dangerous ground.

GA: I Know

GA: Wish Me Luck

TT: Godspeed.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:50 –

 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:52 –

GA: Hello Dave

TG: uh

TG: hey kanaya

TG: is something up you never start conversations with me usually

GA: Nothing Is Up In The Sense That There Is No Immediate Problem Or Danger At Hand Here

GA: Nor Is Anything Up In The Sense That Something Is Hovering Above Me Or Standing Particularly Tall Near Me Except For The Things One Would Normally Expect To Be Doing So Such As Skyscrapers Or Clouds

GA: But I Am Here With A Request If Youd Be So Kind As To Oblige Me

TG: yeah shoot

GA: I Am Looking Into The World Of Human Fashion Design And What It Would Entail To Get A Job Designing Lingerie

GA: I Was Wondering If I Could Ask Your Opinion On Some Outfit Designs Ive Come Up With

GA: Namely How Attractive You Find Them

GA: I Consider Myself Qualified To Consider The Lingerie From The Perspective Of A Female But When It Comes To Males Im Rather Clueless

GA: And Even Putting That Aside You Have A Very Different Opinion On Things In General When Compared To Mine And Roses So I Think Youre A Good Person To Contact For A Second Perspective

TG: review outfits huh

TG: i dont really think much about fashion on a daily basis youre better off asking somebody else but

TG: i suppose ill do it

TG: if you can convince me through the ancient and noble art of alternian slam poetry

GA: Oh My God

TG: what

GA: Is That Really The Price I Am Expected To Pay In Order To Extract Information From You

TG: yes

TG: get to it

GA: Uh

TG: look heres the beat

TG: ba bum chk-chk badum badum chk-chk-a

GA: ...

GA: I Cant Believe Im Doing This

GA: Open Your Hear Ducts Strider As I Prepare Elaboration

GA: On This Important Matter Where I Need Consideration

GA: From A Member Of Your Species Who Is Of The Male Persuasion

GA: Cause My Keen Eye For Fashion Holds No Jurisdiction In That Nation

GA: And If Youll Forgive My Rhymes Which To Be Honest Are Rather Lacking

GA: And Ineptly Put Together As Though My Brain Pan Has Been Slacking

GA: Ive Pieced Through All The Segments Of My Mind That Ive Been Racking

GA: To Find The Words I Need To Find What Makes A Man Start Jacking

GA: (If Youll Forgive The Bluntness Of That Term)

GA: (I Suspect You Will)

GA: So Now Id Like To Issue What You May Consider A Formal Request

GA: To Discuss The Type Of Fabric That Might Cover Up Some Chest

GA: And Put Designs Of Mine To Test Which May One Day Conceal A Breast

GA: Or Inspire A Torrid Bout Of Copulation Between A Young Couple Before They Choose To Rest

GA: For If My Designs Can Do Such Things Then Perhaps I Will Be Able To Complete My Quest

GA: To Obtain The Career In Fashion That I Believe That I Would Just Like Best

GA: And Ive Begun To Run Out Of Inspiration

GA: For This Ridiculous Shanty

GA: So Uh

GA: Lets Discuss The Erotic Appeal Of The Human Undergarment More Colloquially Referred To As The Panty

TG: ...

GA: May This Work Of Slam Poetry Rest In Peace And Never Be Brought Up Again

GA: Amen

TG: bravo

TG: bra fuckin vo

TG: that was brilliant five stars i am wiping tears from my eyes as we speak

TG: you got it

TG: anything you need i am yours to command you are higher on the slamiarchy than i am

TG: command me your leige

GA: Thank Goodness Thats Over

GA: First I Would Like Opinions On This Particular Style Of Lingerie

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "DesignOne.png" – 

GA: Any Input You Can Offer Helps

TG: hm

TG: not showy enough

GA: Not Showy Enough

TG: yeah

TG: its pretty plain its like it isnt even making an effort to arouse me its kind of weakly coaxing me over with its pinky finger at best

GA: Alright

GA: Hm

GA: How About This One

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "DesignTwo.png" – 

TG: kinda smokin but it doesnt accentuate the hips enough

GA: Its A Bra

TG: i know

GA: Sigh

GA: Are You Going To Take This Seriously

TG: i am taking it seriously

TG: im seriously not taking it seriously at all cmon i told you i dont have any fashion sense whatsoever

GA: Fine

GA: I Still Want Your Comments Though

GA: I Won Them Fair And Square So Lets Keep Going

GA: This One

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "DesignThree.png" – 

TG: thats just a tshirt and sweats

GA: Yes

GA: So

TG: well its not half bad but its not like

TG: bonerrific or anything

GA: Some People Prefer The Simple Look

TG: you mean the slob look

GA: Yeah Pretty Much

GA: Okay

GA: How About This One

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file ["DegKTdk507fjSKF3j4i6GGLHKna19.jpeg"](http://tinyurl.com/DegKTdk507fjSKF3j4i6GGLHKna19) – 

GA: Wait No

TG: WHAT THE FUCK

GA: That

GA: Was Not The Right File

TG: jesus christ why are you sending me seminudes of my sister

TG: i did not need to see that

TG: did you take that picture

TG: was that some candid early morning shot

TG: were you trying to catch her with her tits out

TG: have you delivered unto me your private fap fodder is that what just happened here maryam

GA: It Was An Accident I Swear The File Was Very Close To The One I Meant To Click On

GA: Which Was This File

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "DesignFour.png" – 

TG: whoa

TG: frilly as hell and

TG: whats that thing called with the straps and pantyhose or whatever

GA: A Garter Belt

TG: yeah

TG: its a very gothic look

TG: ill bet if i went down to your apartment right now and opened up roses closet id find this outfit hanging there

GA: No You Wouldnt

TG: oh i totally would and i bet its well used too

TG: do not lie to me on these pesterchums

GA: I Am Going To Pretend You Didnt Say Any Of That And Move On To The Next And Final Design

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "DesignFive.png" – 

TG: hey nsfw tag this shit you can practically see the nips in this pic

GA: Do You Actually Care

TG: no

TG: but hey i guess this is decent

TG: not really my thing though

GA: Do You Really Not Like Any Of These Designs

TG: really and truly

TG: none of them have that KICK

TG: you know

GA: Urgh Okay Fine

GA: Whatever

GA: How About This Does This Satisfy You

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file ["AreYouHappyYetStrider.png"](http://tinyurl.com/AreYouHappyYetStrider) – 

TG: hot DAMN

TG: now thats what im talkin about

TG: swoon central over here

GA: Wait

GA: Really

TG: yes

TG: duh

TG: i am being 100% fuckin serious here i want me some of that man meat packed into a hideously tight speedo

TG: that my friend is the pinnacle of human fashion and sex godliness

TG: im getting all hot and bothered under the collar just looking at it

TG: wow

TG: fanning myself

TG: i gotta go cool off

GA: Uh

GA: Okay

GA: Thank You For Your Time I Guess

GA: ?

TG: yeah no problem

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:16 –

 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is no longer idle! –

GA: Terezi

GC: Y34H

GA: I Have

GA: Bad News For You

GC: >:?

 

**TUESDAY EVENING**

 

It’s a little past eight and you’ve just finished kicking Terezi’s ass at Pro Skater 4 when she abruptly stands and announces she’s going to slip into something a little more comfortable. You retreat to the washroom to make sure your hair looks good and you don’t have anything stuck in your teeth – or wait, maybe you _should_ stick something in your teeth? Like a red candy for her to suck on, or something. Would that arouse her? Maybe you can pass it off on irony. Wait, do you need a condom? No, she’s an alien. But then what if she has alien STDs? Oh god, why didn’t you think of any of this earlier?!

Chill. Be cool. Let’s do this, Strider.

You walk out and oh my god what the _fuck_ is she wearing

 

**TUESDAY NIGHT**

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:53 –

TG: okay what the hell was that all about

GA: What

TG: i went to tzs house to hang and she put on a fuckin muscle suit with an ugly ass thong

TG: it totally killed the mood

TG: you had something to do with this didnt you

GA: Well You Did Say That Was The Outfit That You Found Most Visually Stimulating

TG: oh for the love of

TG: i

TG: i didnt

TG: well

TG: fuck me

GA: Id Rather Not

TG: no no i mean

TG: jesus i had no idea you were trying to spy on terezis behalf

TG: and also no idea that you were so awful at interpreting sarcasm

TG: i thought rose had already taught you the intricacies of humans being shitlords to each other

GA: Its Very Hard To Tell With You

GA: With Your Ironies And Such

GA: When Are You Sincere And When Is That Not The Case

GA: I Just Dont Know

TG: see now this is why we need to hang out more often

TG: you can get the hang of my unfathomably cool modus speakerandi

TG: (thats fake latin for how i make words happen)

TG: and i can

TG: i dont know start to appreciate dresses and fabrics and romance stories and shit

GA: I Will Make An Effort To Extend The Hand Of Friendship More Often

TG: thank you

TG: thats all i ask

GA: Is This Sarcasm Again

TG: only a little

GA: Okay

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 22:02 –

 

**WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON**

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 15:08 –

TG: hey tz sup

TG: are we gonna hang out again tonight

TG: maybe you can wear something that isnt that godawful wrestler suit

GC: 1 4M 4FR41D NOT

TG: so youre still wearing the suit then

GC: NO BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO B3 SP3ND1NG TH3 D4Y W1TH K4RK4T

GC: H3 1S T4K1NG M3 OUT FOR D1NN3R

TG: oh

TG: okay

TG: yeah alright cool

GC: YOU 4R3NT J34LOUS 4R3 YOU >:[

GC: 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO F33L J34LOUS

TG: nah i can find someone else to hang out with no worries

TG: have fun

TG: punch him in the face for me if he acts like a douchelord ok

GC: C4N DO! >:]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:12 –

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 15:14 –

TG: hey john sup

EB: i’m hanging out with vriska right now, we’re playing the board game edition of that weird troll rp game, flart or whatever?

EB: want to join us? there’s always room for one more.

TG: nah but thanks for the offer

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 15:17 –

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:17 –

TG: hey jade sup

GG: im hanging out with vriska right now!!! were playing the board game edition of flarp

TG: oh

TG: youre with john then

GG: yup!!!!

GG: you can feel free to join if you want

TG: nah but thanks for the offer

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:20 –

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 15:23 –

TG: hey bro sup

TT: That’s a loaded question there, bro.

TT: What’s up? A lot of things.

TT: The sky. Skyscrapers. The NASDAQ index, thanks to Obama’s hot new econonic policies.

TG: yeah yeah i got this speech from someone else earlier this week

TT: To be more specific, then,

TT: I am currently engaged in a bout of fisticuffs with my best bro, Jake.

TT: We’re oiled up, sweaty, and muscular, rolling around in the dirt.

TT: You can guess what’s “up” given this information, I’m sure.

TG: ugh dude tmi

TG: wait

TG: if youre busy getting your weird gay wrestle thing on

TG: how are you talking to me

TT: It seems you’re wondering how I’m talking to you.

TG: oh

TG: right

TG: i shouldve known

TT: Are there any other questions you’d like to ask of a computer with infinitely brodacious intelligence? Now’s your chance.

TG: nah

TG: im gonna go find someone to hang out with who isnt glasses

TT: Your loss.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 15:28 –

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] at 15:29 –

TG: hey rads

TG: you free

AA: yes! :)

TG: oh thank goodness

AA: free on tuesday the sixteenth of next month

AA: until then im all booked up

AA: its not like im made of time or anything

AA: OH WAIT

TG: goddammit aradia

AA: sorry i cant resist a good joke

AA: i actually am free to hang out! but not at home

AA: i am planning on visiting the new museum that opened up last month

TG: oh sweet

TG: are they gonna have dead stuff on display plz say yes

AA: as much as id love to say yes im afraid the answer is no

AA: it is mostly focused on ancient troll civilization

TG: oh so its like

TG: whats it called

TG: anthropology??? no thats the human term

TG: trollopology

TG: nailed it

AA: yes pretty much

TG: hm

TG: you know i think ill skip out on that one then i already hear enough about ancient troll culture from terezi and the justiceboner shes always sporting for legislacerators

AA: aw alright

AA: but if you want to hang again sometime im always open!

TG: cool

TG: have fun with your weird ancient troll stuff

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] at 15:34 \--

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:35 –

TG: hey rose please tell me youre free

TT: I’m afraid not.

TT: I'm visiting a midday amateur theatre performance with Kanaya, Roxy, and Porrim.

TG: of course you fucking are

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:39 –

TT: Abysmal does not even begin to descr

TT: Dave?

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] at 15:40 –

TG: you

TG: you cant possibly be busy right now

TG: nobody in their right mind would be hanging out with you

CA: hey wwhatre you implyin im some kind a loser or somethin

TG: yes

TG: which is exactly what i want

TG: please tell me youre free please tell me SOMEONE is available to chill with no matter how lame and fishy

CA: are you comin on to me

TG: ...

TG: you know what never mind im declaring today a stay at home day

CA: hey thats cool ill come ovver to your house wwe can discuss the finer points of human history

CA: ivve been reading about this sovviet guy wwho did a real good job dealin wwith all the lowwbloods

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] at 15:42 –

CA: oh come on one mention a the guy an all my convversations start stalin out

 

 

**THURSDAY MORNING**

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 10:02 –

GC: H3Y SOLLUX

GC: YOU TH1NK YOUR3 PR3TTY SM4RT R1GHT

GC: WH3N YOUR3 NOT BUSY B31NG 4 WH1NY S3LF-D3PR3C14T1NG DORKUS 1 M34N

TA: ye2, that’2 completely riight, you’ve 2ucce22fully conden2ed my entiire beiing iinto tho2e two 2entence2.

TA: congratulatiion2!

GC: OH COM3 OFF 1T 1 W4S JUST JOK1NG 4ROUND

GC: 1 4M 4CTU4LLY H3R3 FOR SOM3 4DV1C3

TA: what iif ii don’t want two giive adviice two you?

TA: maybe you 2hould beg.

GC: YOU S33M TO B3 1N 4 GOOD MOOD R1GHT NOW

GC: 4ND SO W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T YOU N33D TO S4T3 YOUR 3GO WH1L3 YOU C4N

GC: TH3R3FOR3 1 DONT H4V3 TO DO 4NYTH1NG

GC: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO 1NS1ST ON PROV1D1NG YOUR 3XC3LL3NT 4DV1C3 TO M3 >:]

TA: 2hiit.

TA: you got me.

TA: what do you need?

GC: 1 B3L13V3 YOU 4R3 4LR34DY 4W4R3 OF TH3 S1TU4T1ON B3TW33N D4V3 4ND 1

GC: CORR3CT?

TA: yeah, you’re pretty much longiing two touch hii2 human bone lump or whatever, and the feeliing ii2 2o riidiiculou2ly reciiprocal that iit’2 obviiou2 to liiterally everyone wiith a workiing thiink pan.

GC: Y3S 3X4CTLY

GC: BUT H3 1S TOO SC4R3D TO M4K3 4NY OF H1S SMOOTH COOLK1D MOV3S ON M3

GC: HOW DO 1 S3T TH3 MOOD SO H3LL B3 R34DY TO SM4NG

TA: what make2 you thiink ii have any adviice two giive on the matter?

GC: W4SNT TH3R3 4 T1M3 WH3N YOU W3R3 D4T1NG BOTH 4R4D14 4ND F3F3R1 4T ONC3 >:?

TA: better que2tiion: wa2 there ever really a tiime when ii wa2n’t.

GC: Y3S

TA: ok but 2tiill you made your poiint.

TA: ii gue22 ii can help you.

GC: >:]

TA: 2o here’2 what you have two do:

TA: watch porn wiith hiim.

GC: WH4T

TA: no, 2ee, you have two play iit cool. don’t ju2t put on 2omethiing liike hot bucket 2luts 2uck bulge II, that’2 way two obviiou2 and probably a really 2tupiid fliick anyway.

TA: you have two piick 2omethiing where you don’t know iit’2 porn. or at lea2t, you can pretend you diidn’t know.

TA: then there’2 a 2udden, really hot 2cene, and the 2exual ten2iion rii2e2 niice and 2lowly in the room and before you know iit you’re doiing the bump n griind and not even payiing any fuckiing attentiion two the tv.

TA: liike, ju2t piick a moviie wiith an expliiciit 2ex 2cene.

TA: or watch that one epii2ode of fra2iier, you know, the one wiith the heat wave and the 2exual ten2iion and 2trawberriie2 and nile2 and daphne almo2t bang each other??

GC: WH4TS FR4S13R

TA: never miind.

GC: 1 DONT KNOW TH1S SOUNDS L1K3 TOO CL1CH3 4 S3TUP 3V3N FOR M3

GC: WH4T 1F 1 JUST 4SK3D H1M 1F H3 W4NTS TO FUCK

GC: TH4T S33MS L1K3 TH3 OBV1OUS TH1NG TO DO S1NC3 H3S TOO SC4R3D TO DO 1T H1MS3LF

TA: more liike that’2 the lame, 2tupiid thiing two do.

TA: tru2t me, iit’2 much more 2atii2fyiing iif you force iit two happen naturally.

GC: 1F YOU S4Y SO >:\

GC: BUT 1F 1 DONT G3T 1N D4V3S P4NTS BY TH3 3ND OF TH3 N1GHT 1 4M BL4M1NG YOU!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] at 10:11 –

 

 

**THURSDAY EVENING**

When you walk in, Terezi is bent over on the floor, leaning in to pop a DVD into her DVD player. She sits up when she notices you, and grins. “Hey! I borrowed a movie from...uh, Aradia’s sister. Miss Sour Cherry, I forget her name.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What kind of movies does that weirdo own?”

“It’s an anime she got from some human specialty store. It’s supposed to be pretty fun, and Aradia assured me it’ll leave the audience speechless! I think we should give it a try, Dave. Or are you scaaaared?”

“Hell no,” you lie, and the two of you sit back on the sofa and wait for the movie to begin. It starts off alright, some cutesy comedy about Japanese schoolgirls. Even when the freaky fetish monsters show up it doesn’t seem _that_ bad, and Terezi seems to be enjoying it quite a lot, but then—

“Did the tentacle just—“

“...yeah,” Terezi says, “Yeah it did.”

“How did it...I mean, can it fit...”

“Dave, I think maybe people in your human animes don’t have any internal organs.”

“Ok, well I guess it could be worse, at least—oh my god.”

“That...that brings new meaning to the term ‘double-penetration’.”

It’s about that point that you kindly ask Terezi to turn off the movie before you devolve into a retching, sobbing mess all over her sofa. She is quick to comply.

“I’m sorry, Dave,” she says with a surprisingly sincere frown. “I wasn’t expecting it to be so…”

“Horrific?”

“Yeah.”

You shrug. “It’s cool, I’m just never going to be able to look at an octopus ever again, that’s all.”

 

**THURSDAY NIGHT**

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling 終末論的な思春期の [アア] at 23:14 –

GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK W4S TH4T >:[

アア: それは非常にセクシーだった。しかし、あなたはそれを見ることはできません。あなたは盲目であるためです。ハハハ！

GC: 1 DONT UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH1S

GC: 3XC3PT TH4T L4ST P4RT WH1CH SM3LLS L1K3 L4UGHT3R

アア: あなたは、Google翻訳を使用する必要があります。バカ。

GC: WH4T3V3R 1M GO1NG TO GO T4LK TO SOM3ON3 WHO SP34KS 3NGL1SH

GC: BY WH1CH 1 M34N 4LT3RN14N

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling 終末論的な思春期の [アア] at 23:14 –

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 23:15 \--

GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK W4S TH4T >:[

AA: is there a problem? :)

GC: YOU KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T YOU D1D

GC: YOU 4R3 4 L14R 4ND 4 SCOUNDR3L

GC: “TH1S MOV13 1S R34LLY HOT” MY DR4GONMOMS SC4LY 4SS

AA: sorry terezi i couldnt resist a little prank on my former flarp foe

AA: besides

AA: i never said youd be left a good kind of speechless :p

GC: OK W3LL 1T W4S 4 PR3TTY GOOD PR4NK >:]

GC: BUT YOU OW3 M3!!!

AA: what do i owe you exactly

GC: S3X

AA: wow terezi thats really forward of you i am kind of surprised but not altogether unwilling

GC: NOT W1TH YOU

GC: 1 M34N

GC: YOU GOT 1N TH3 W4Y OF D4V3 4ND 1 DO1NG 1T

GC: 4ND YOU W1LL N33D TO M4K3 UP FOR TH4T

GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D HOW Y3T

GC: BUT R3ST 4SSUR3D

GC: 1 W1LL B3 B4CK

GC: FOR MY POUND OF FL3SH

AA: you want to pound my flesh hmmmm

AA: ;)

GC: OH TH4TS 3NOUGH OF YOUR R4SC4LLY CH4RM

GC: 1 4M GO1NG TO L34V3 NOW WH1L3 1 C4N ST1LL PR3T3ND 1M M4D 4T YOU

GC: >:[ >:[ >:[

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 23:21 –

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 23:23 –

GC: PS M4YB3 4FT3R 1 WORK TH1NGS OUT W1TH D4V3

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] at 23:23 –

 

**FRIDAY MORNING**

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:10 \--

CG: HEY, JADE. ARE YOU BUSY?

CG: I NEED ADVICE.

GG: everyone seems to need my advice these days, its in very high demand

GG: whats the problem?? :o

CG: THERE’S ACTUALLY NOT A PROBLEM FOR A CHANGE, THANK FUCKING GOD.

CG: I’M JUST WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY FAMILIARITY WITH THE CURRENT HUMAN CINEMA SELECTION.

CG: I PLAN ON ASKING TEREZI TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TONIGHT, LIKE A SURPRISE KIND OF DEAL, AND I NEED TO KNOW A MOVIE SHE MIGHT LIKE SEEING.

GG: hmmmmm

GG: wreck it ralph is out!!!! its really funny and cool and shell probably like it, theres a candy land place that i bet will smell awesome

CG: ISN’T THAT A SHITTY MOVIE FOR WIGGLERS?

GG: karkat!!!!! adults can enjoy kids movies too, they are timeless classics which know no age boundary

CG: IF YOU SAY SO.

CG: THANKS FOR THE RECOMMENDATION, I’M GOING TO TRUST YOU ON THIS ONE.

CG: BUT IF IT’S A COMPLETE SHITFEST, YOU CAN BET I WILL BE BACK TO FLAME YOUR ASS RAW.

GG: suuuure you will

GG: oh but one word of warning!!! buy an extra ticket

GG: terezis probably hanging out with dave and shell want him to come along too

CG: OH. YEAH.

CG: THOSE TWO ARE PRACTICALLY FUCKING INSEPERABLE NOWADAYS, AREN’T THEY?

CG: WHY CAN’T THEY JUST CUT THE PRETENSE AND ADMIT THEY’RE DATING?

GG: i dont think they are though at least not in a romantic sense

GG: theyre best friends and obviously they like to kiss and spend time together but its not, like, committed or anything

GG: and there really arent that many romantic gestures they just make out a lot

GG: a relationship like that is totally possible!!! it doesnt have to be dating or bust

CG: YES, I KNOW, YOU’VE PROVEN THAT HANDILY.

CG: I JUST

CG: IT’S REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD BEING IN THIS SITUATION WHERE THE “ME LIKING TEREZI” CAT TORE RIGHT THROUGH THAT FUCKING BAG AND EVERYBODY KNOWS IT

CG: AND CLEARLY SHE IS AMICABLE TO DOING THINGS LIKE GOING TO MOVIES WITH ME AND OTHER “””””DATE””””” THINGS

CG: BUT THEN SHE SPENDS ALL HER TIME SNOGGING WITH DAVE???

CG: IT’S LIKE, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE. WHERE DO WE STAND? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!

CG: RELATIONSHIPS ARE BULLSHIT AND I’M STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’VE CHOSEN NOT TO TIE YOURSELF DOWN TO ONE.

GG: i dont know karkat is it really that bad??? you get to hang out with a girl you like and sometimes with a dude who you dislike

GG: what more could a troll ask for??

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHY I EVER BOTHERED TALKING TO YOU, YOU’RE AN UNDENDING FONT OF OPTIMISM.

CG: IT’S BOTH ENDLESSLY AGGRAVATING AND KIND OF BLOOD-PUSHER WARMING AT THE SAME TIME?

CG: WHATEVER, YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

CG: OFF I GO, THEN, TO CONTINUE OUR ENACTMENT OF THIS SHITTY FASCIMILE OF A MENAGE A TROIS.

GG: have fun!!!

CG: YEAH.

CG: THANKS.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 11:22 \--

 

**FRIDAY EVENING**

Another chance arrives when you visit Terezi on Friday, and this time you think it’s really going to happen. “Dave, use more tongue,” Terezi says, and when you’re about to lean in she pushes your head down and adds, “And lower this time!”

Oh god, okay, here it is. It’s zero hour. It’s time to put your dozens of minutes of online study to work. Time to use all of the advice Jade gave you. Time to take a nice stroll down to Café Terezi and eat out.

Terezi kicks her pants aside and giggles, and you lean in between her legs. You swallow hard and hope she doesn’t hear the gulp. Your shaking fingers reach out and you slip them around the hem of her panties, and y—

_~dii-iing~!_

Oh, for _fuck’s_ sake!

Terezi groans and hurriedly redresses herself, rushing for the door. After a moment’s conversation, she returns with a sullen look on her face.

“How do you feel about going to see Wreck-It Ralph with Karkat?”

“How do you think I fuckin’ feel?”

You end up going regardless. The movie is good, at least. You even cry when the big lug has a falling out with the cute candy girl, but you don’t tell anyone.

Terezi can probably smell the tears, anyway.

 

**FRIDAY NIGHT**

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:01 –

TG: ugh

TG: bro

TG: you wouldnt believe the shitty night i just had

TG: can i whine at you for a while

TG: maybe compose a freestyle rap about how much of a blistering assbag karkat is

EB: sorry dude, i’m kind of busy! :(

TG: with what

EB: video games.

TG: seriously

TG: video games are more important than your best fuckin bro

EB: i’m about to unlock an achievement.

TG: oh

TG: yeah ok then

TG: thats totally worth ignoring me youre completely right

TG: achievement unlocked

TG: literal worst friend ever award

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:06 –

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 21:08 –

TG: im being facetious btw

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 21:08 –

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 21:04 –

TG: hey rose are you there i need someone to whine at

TT: It seems you are wondering if I am available to listen to your whining.

TT: You likely have a tortured psychological profile of totally hysterical emotions and unaired grievances at practically everybody.

TG: uh

TT: This multitude of problems surely manifests itself in the form of phallic Freudian imagery intruding on your mind all the time. If only I could help talk you through this dark and troubled phase of your life.

TT: But unfortunately,

TT: There is a 97.396% chance that I’m actually too busy boning Kanaya to listen to you.

TT: Sorry.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:07 –

TG: why the hell did i ever let my bro make an autoresponder program for you

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 21:13 –

GC: OH MY GOD J4D3 YOU H4V3 TO H3LP M3

GG: whats the problem?? :O

GC: 1TS K4RK4T

GC: H3 S33MS TO H4V3 D3D1C4T3D H1MS3LF TO TH3 1GNOBL3 4ND 4NNOY1NG PURSU1T OF

GC: WH4T DO YOU HUM4NS C4LL 1T

GC: SM4NG-BLOCK1NG

GG: damn it

GG: i thought he was over his jealousy problems!!

GG: he was supposed to take you both out to see a movie :(

GC: Y3S TH4T H4PP3N3D

GC: SO 1 DONT TH1NK 1TS J34LOUSY TH1S T1M3

GC: H3 JUST

GC: H4S V3RY V3RY 4WFUL T1M1NG >:[

GC: 31TH3R TH4T OR H3 1S 4 PSYCH1C

GG: does that mean.........

GG: he has supersexory powers??? :o

GC: Y3S 3X4CTLY

GC: H3 1S CO1TUSVO1Y4NT

GG: his powers are mate-a-physical

GC: H3 H4S KNOWL3DG3 OF TH3 OCCULPUL4T1ON

GG: fornication telling!!

GC: H3 S33RS NOTH1NG WRONG W1TH 4 L1TTL3 BUMP N GR1ND

GG: ok these are all getting kind of obtuse

GC: Y34H

GG: so tell me more about karkat

GG: whats he been doing??

GC: H3 JUST

GC: R34LLY W4NTS TO H4NG OUT W1TH M3

GC: WH1CH 1S UND3RST4ND4BL3 B3C4US3 3V3RYBODY KNOWS TH4T H3 L1K3S M3 4ND 4LSO TH4T 1 4M TH3 MOST D3S1R4BL3 HOM13 TH1S S1D3 OF R4D V4LL3Y

GC: BUT H3 K33PS SHOW1NG UP 4T TH3 MOST 1NOPPORTUN3 T1M3S

GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 H34RT TO R3FUS3 H1M B3C4US3 H3 1S ST1LL 4 V3RY CLOS3 FR13ND >:[

GG: yeah i can see why thatd be a problem :(

GC: 4ND 1T JUST K33PS G3TT1NG WORS3

GC: L1K3 TON1GHT

GC: WH3N K4RK4T SHOW3D UP 4T MY DOOR W1TH MOV13 T1CK3TS

GC: D4V3S H34D W4S B3TW33N MY TH1GHS J4D3

GC: MY TH1GHS!

GC: DO YOU H4V3 4NY 1D34 WH4T D4V3S TONGU3 F33LS L1K3

GG: no

GG: not yet

GC: W3LL N31TH3R DO 1!!!

GG: :( :( :(

GC: SOM3TH1NG N33DS TO B3 DON3 4BOUT TH1S

GC: ON 4LT3RN14 TH3R3 W3R3 L4WS 4G41NST TH3 1NT3RRUPT1ON OF COPUL4T1ON

GC: W3LL TH3R3 W3R3 L4WS 4G41NST PR3TTY MUCH 3V3RYTH1NG YOU COULD TH1NK OF BUT TH3S3 P4RT1CUL4R L4WS W3R3 V3RY R1G1DLY 3NFORC3D

GC: BUT TH3Y ONLY 4PPL13D WH3N TROLLS WHO D1D NOT OCCUPY 4 C4L1G1NOUS QU4DR4NT W1TH ON3 OF TH3 V1CT1MS CONSP1R3D TO PR3V3NT TWO QU4DR4NT-OCCUP13D TROLLS FROM P41L1NG W1TH1N 4 W33K OF TH3 D3S1GN4T3D G3N3T1C M4T3R14L P1CKUP D4T3

GC: SO THOS3 4R3 US3L3SS TO M3

GC: 1 DONT SUPPOS3 TH3R3 4R3 4NY HUM4N L4WS TH4T M1GHT H3LP

GG: im afraid not

GG: we dont really have any laws about cockblocking

GG: i guess theres some kind of informal “bro code” that says you dont cockblock a bro when hes about to get it on but thats not really enforceable and karkat isnt daves bro anyways so i dont think it counts

GC: 1NT3R3ST1NG

GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 TO FURTH3R 3X4M1N3 TH1S BRO COD3

GC: 4R3 TH3R3 4NY BOOKS DOCUM3NT1NG TH3 COD3

GG: no

GG: like i said its pretty informal i dont think anyones written a specific set of rules down

GC: SO TH3N

GC: 1S 1T 4N 4NC13NT TR4D1T1ON P4SS3D DOWN THROUGHOUT TH3 3POCHS FROM ON3 BRO TO 4NOTH3R

GC: 4ND DO3S 1T 1NVOLV3 R1TU4L H1GH F1V3S

GC: S1CKN4STY GR1NDS

GC: OR OTH3R BROTH3RLY 4ND 1MPOSS1BLY COOL 4CT1V1T13S

GG: yes that is exactly it you cracked the code

GC: R4D1C4L

GG: and there is also another code

GC: OH >:?

GG: it is the sis code

GG: actually i dont know if there is such a code but if not im inventing one right now!!

GG: and the first tenet of the sis code is

GG: sisters help other sisters get a piece of some hot strider ass! ;)

GC: 1 L1K3 TH1S COD3 4LR34DY >:]

GG: so

GG: you name a date and time

GG: and i promise ill distract karkat for the whole day!!!

GG: with any luck nobody else will bug you

GG: and you and dave will have an entire day aaaaaaaall to yourselves!!!! >;D

GC: TH4NK YOU J4D3

GC: YOU 4R3 DO1NG TH3 WORK OF S41NTS H3R3

GC: JUST1C3 SPR1NGS 3T3RN4L FROM YOUR D3L1C1OUS L1M3 T3XT

GG: hehehehe no problem <3

GG: oh just one thing you should know though!! :o

GG: since daves probably been trying to play it all cool and not tell you

GC: WH4T

GG: daves a virgin

GC: ...

GC: >:]

GC: > :]

GC: >:]

GC: >: ]

GC: >:]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 21:30 \--

**SATURDAY AFTERNOON**

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:04 –

GG: hey dave!!!!!!!!

GG: just so you know

GG: im going to be out and about with karkat today

GG: for the whole entire day

GG: ;)

GG: you know what to do!!!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:05 –

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [GC] at 14:07 –

GC: H3Y D4V3

GC: JUST SO YOU KNOW

GC: J4D3 1S GO1NG TO B3 D1STR4CT1NG K4RK4T TOD4Y

GC: FOR TH3 WHOL3 3NT1R3 D4Y

GC: >;]

GC: YOUR D3ST1NY 4W41TS YOU

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [GC] at 14:09 –

**SATURDAY EVENING**

When it finally happens, it strikes suddenly, and without warning. One moment, the two of you are discussing the finer points of SBaHJ #38, and the next, your tongues are locked tighter than Fort fuckin’ Knox. Her shirt hits the floor and two of your suspicions are confirmed; she isn’t wearing a bra, and she’s got great tits. Your shades are on, so she shouldn’t be able to catch you staring, but she sniffs the air and grins and you get the feeling she knows anyway. She pulls your head down and kisses you roughly and you realize your pants are still on and your boner is pressing uncomfortably against both of your legs so you get to work on those, and she just keeps on grinning.

“I’ve been waiting forever for this! You sure took your time, knight.”

You groan. “I have half a mind to leave after a joke like that, seer.”

“Ha! You know you like my jokes.”

“There’s a lot of parts of you I like,” you respond.

She shuffles around and kicks away her panties. You don’t get the chance to see what she’s got down there; “Want to like one more part of me?” she asks, and wiggles her eyebrows and reaches down and grabs you and pulls you in and _oh holy shit_

**SATURDAY NIGHT**

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:05 \--

TG: john

TG: youve banged rose right

EB: what???

EB: no!

TG: damn

TG: ok was it vriska

EB: no!

EB: i have not had sex with anyone, dave.

TG: shit man

TG: get your act together

TG: your best bro is counting on you and you cant deliver when he needs it most

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 00:07 –

EB: deliver what?

EB: what the fuck dave!!!

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [EB] at 00:08 \--

TG: jade help a man out here i need more of your sexy sex tips

TG: its an emergency

GG: !!!!

GG: whats going on?

GG: oh no something happened with terezi didnt it!!!!

TG: itd be more accurate to say something didnt happen but listen hear me out

TG: how long is a guy supposed to last in bed

GG: oh nooooooo

GG: how bad was it? :(

TG: you will not breathe a word of this to anyone is that understood

TG: take your lips and zip them

TG: dig a hole and bury the key in them

TG: these words are never to cross your tongue nor shall you type them

TG: not a soul will ever know this except for you and terezi

TG: are we crystal clear here

GG: yes dave i wont tell a soul i promise!!!

TG: ok

TG: i lasted like

TG: a minute at best

GG: OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

TG: jesus way to make a guy feel better about it

GG: no no its ok well work through this

GG: it was your first time right?? so its not like youre expected to last very long

GG: and its not like you have to last as long as she does as long as you make sure shes satisfied in the end

GG: you DID make sure she still came right??

TG: uh

TG: i kinda ran

GG: :\

TG: do you think shell give my boxers back if i ask nicely

GG: dave!!

TG: what

TG: look i think weve established by now that as ridiculously cool and suave and totally together i am in pretty much every other possible aspect of life

TG: i fucking suck at not being the worlds greatest dweebus in bed

TG: i didnt cry though i pride myself on that

TG: i stayed strong in the face of adversity

TG: really i think i deserve a fuckin medal here i survived dingling my dangle with a crazy ass alien

TG: shouldnt obama be callin me up

TG: congratulations and presidential fuckin high fives mr dave strider youve gone where no man has gone before look at this previous uncharted alien territory

TG: shit be charted as fuck now

TG: charted by fuck too

GG: dave youre rambling again

TG: yeah

TG: so basically i guess what im wondering is how fucked am i

TG: whats the damage on a scale of one to eternal banishment from vag kingdom

GG: have you talked to her at all since it happened??

TG: what do you think

GG: ok, just

GG: go talk to her, dummy!!!!

GG: shes like one of your best friends shes going to forgive you im sure

GG: and laugh at you

GG: there will be lots of laughing

GG: but forgiveness too!! :)

TG: sigh

TG: i shouldve known youd tell me to do the mature and reasonable thing

TG: youre a fucking awful amazing friend

GG: i know <3

TG: thanks jade

TG: peace

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [EB] at 00:18 \--

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 00:25 \--

TG: uh

TG: hey

TG: sorry for sending you an apology message instead of coming in person but its like 12 am and i didnt think youd take kindly to me showing up outside your bedroom window singing

TG: like

TG: hey there delilah or some shit

TG: but yeah the point here is im sorry

TG: sorriest sap who ever did lose his virginity to an alien spacebabe

TG: mostly cause thats such a narrow superlative i dont think anyone else on this planet counts

TG: unless egbert fucks up even harder with vriska or something

TG: hahaha he probably will

TG: what a loser

TG: but

TG: nobody is more of a loser than i

TG: i am king dipshit of loser mountain

TG: and today i descend from the peak carrying a tablet into which i have carved the ten apologies

TG: thou shalt not run out on your best friend after spooging inside her

TG: thou shalt prostrate thyself before her and grovel at her feet

TG: thou shalt not be the biggest fuckup this side of paradox space

TG: thou shalt begin running out of ten apologies after the third one

TG: thou shalt keep trying anyways

TG: because thou shalt not ever want to lose terezi as a best friend

TG: cause when it comes to bffs

TG: shes simply the best there is

TG: ok so youre probably already either busy sleeping or busy hating me forever so

TG: im just gonna leave this big thing here and

TG: go

TG: bye tz

GC: WH4T B1G TH1NG

GC: YOUR TH1NG LOOK3D PR3TTY SM4LL TO M3 D4V3 >:]

TG: ouch

TG: that stings

TG: way to hit a guy where it hurts after he pours his heart and fuckin soul out to you

GC: D4V3

TG: im joking

GC: 1 KNOW

GC: SO W4S 1

GC: YOUR TH1NG W4S 4CTU4LLY 4CC3PT4BLY S1Z3D

TG: thank you

GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3

TG: so uh

TG: are we cool

TG: i probably didnt sound sincere back there because when the fuck ever am i sincere about anything but that was all 100% from the heart

GC: 1 COULD T3LL

GC: 1 4PPR3C14T3D TH3 S4PPY S3NT1M3NT 3V3N 1F 1T W4S D3L1V3R3D 1N TH3 FORM OF 4 R1D1CULOUS B1BL1C4L M3T4PHOR

TG: awesome

TG: thats a load off my back

GC: D1D YOU R34LLY TH1NK TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 1 WOULDNT FORG1V3 YOU >:?

TG: well

TG: i did fuck up in the most colossal manner and pretty much prove myself awful at sex forever

GC: OH COM3 ON

GC: DONT B3 SO H4RD ON YOURS3LF

GC: 1T W4S YOUR F1RST T1M3

TG: yeah and i blew it

TG: dont go trying to take pity on me or anything i dont deserve it

GC: D4V3 LISTEN

GC: 1 DONT P1TY YOU

GC: YOU W1LL 4LW4YS B3 TH3 COOL3ST GUY 1 KNOW

GC: 4ND TH3 B3ST FR13ND 4 G1RL L1K3 M3 COULD 3V3R 4SK FOR

GC: SO NO M4TT3R WH4T H4PP3NS

GC: MY L3GS W1LL 4LW4YS B3 OP3N TO YOU

GC: GOT 1T????

GC: >;]

TG: yeah

TG: thanks tz

TG: i promise im going to make this up to you

TG: next time

GC: 1 TH1NK K4RK4T 4ND J4D3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 OUT ON TH3 TOWN 4G41N TOMORROW

GC: SO HOW 4BOUT YOU COM3 OV3R 4ND 1 T34CH YOU HOW TO PROP3RLY US3 TH4T TONGU3 OF YOURS

TG: that

TG: sounds like a plan

TG: see you later tz

GC: N4H

GC: 1 WONT B3 S331NG YOU

TG: wh

TG: oh

TG: yeah

TG: smell you later tz

GC: >;]

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 00:41 \--

 

 

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

CG: LOOK, JADE.

CG: YOU’VE BEEN CALLING ME UP A LOT LATELY, AND THERE’S SOMETHING THAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT.

CG: YOU SEE

CG: I’M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO LET YOU DOWN EASY HERE BUT UH

CG: THE THING IS

CG: I’M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN

CG: AND THAT’S NOT TO SAY MY MIND WON’T CHANGE AT SOME POINT, BUT

CG: AS OF RIGHT NOW

GG: karkat i dont want to date you!!!!

CG: OH

CG: HUH

CG: WELL THIS IS FUCKING EMBARRASSING, THEN.

CG: I GUESS I COMPLETELY MISREAD YOUR INTENT?

CG: WHICH REALLY WASN’T HARD, BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING CESSPOOL OF INSCRUTABILITY AND INFURIATION.

CG: IN FACT

CG: THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU WOULD JUST TELL ME WHY YOU’VE NEEDED TO DRAG ME AROUND TOWN ALL DAY FOR WEEKS ON END, INSTEAD OF HIDING IT ALL BEHIND THAT VAGUE TOOTHY SMILE OF YOURS.

CG: BUT NOOOOOO, THAT’S NOT HOW JADE HARLEY OPERATES.

CG: YOU JUST CAN’T BE STRAIGHT WITH ANYONE, CAN YOU?

CG: WAS THE GOAL TO GET IN MY PANTS AGAIN?

CG: TO EMBARRASS ME?

CG: TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM DAVE AND TEREZI?

CG: YOU DON’T HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU DID IT FOR THE PURE ENJOYMENT OF MY COMPANY, DO YOU?

CG: AS INCREDIBLY FUCKING AWESOME AS I MAKE A POINT OF THINKING MYSELF AS ON A DAILY BASIS, EVEN I DON’T THINK THAT ANYONE COULD STAND TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AROUND ME IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP.

CG: SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?

CG: HEY.

CG: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME???

GG: hang on someone else is messaging me

GG: feel free to keep ranting im sure itll be fun to read when i come back :)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] is now idle! –

CG: FFS

 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:03 \--

TG: update

GG: !!!!!

TG: four and three quarters minutes

TG: next week im shooting for the whole five

TG: five and a half if im real lucky

TG: thats all there is to say on the matter

GG: mr quick shot is keeping his hand steady on the trigger now

GG: im so proud :’)

TG: thank you

TG: i will wear your praise like a mayoral fuckin sash

TG: dave strider newly elected leader of vag kingdom

TG: were democratizing this bitch

TG: constitutional monarchy is for chumps bring on the stars and stripes

TG: i promise as representative i will bring my electoral district nothin but the fairest of policies and hardest of fucks

TG: call me barock-your-fuckin-world obama

TG: and be prepared for some seriously stylin stridercare

TG: coming soon to hospitals near you

GG: yeah!!!!!

GG: you go mister mayor

TG: hell to the fuckin yes

TG: but seriously thanks

TG: couldnt have made it here without you harley

GG: no problem, dave <3

GG: i hope your sex life stays rad as all heck!!!

TG: amen

GG: anyway i have to go deal with karkat now so ill talk to you later!!!

GG: (p.s. next week you terezi and i should have a threesome)

TG: yeah see you la

TG: wait

TG: what

GG: (;D)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:10 –


End file.
